Angie and I don’t know what to get each other for Christmas. We set a $25 limit on each other, and that really hampers matters. My original plan was to go to Walgreen’s and buy $25 worth of peanut butter M&Ms and body lotion, but that doesn’t have the personal touch I know she needs in a gift. As for my gift, she could buy me $25 worth of dead squirrels and I’d be happy. I mean, I could post their tiny heads on pikes as a warning to Franklin, our crazy front-yard squirrel.
An aside: Franklin is, as I’ve said, crazy. He sits in our front yard all day, waiting ‘til we get ready to drive somewhere. Franklin will then run up a tree and start barking at us. I think he may also have made some rude paw gestures at me once. I’m frankly afraid of him. He could be carrying rabies, or the swine flu, or a switchblade. You can’t be too careful with squirrels. I think the squirrel-heads-on-pikes idea would really send a message to him: I’m just as crazy as you are, buddy, and I have opposable thumbs.
But she’s suffering from as much gift anxiety as I am. I have few tastes. If it’s electronic, chocolate or filled with liquor, I’m a fan of it. If she could find me a robot that served chocolate liquor bottles, that would be perfect, provided the robot didn’t cut me off after two. I still have no idea what to get her, however.
There’s always the standby of “mom-to-be” gift: get something that Angie can use when Baby 2 gets here. I don’t want to remind her of her constant morning sickness, however. “Hey honey, how do you like that new baby wipe warmer?” “Why did you do this to me, jackhole? I think I just lost my lunch from two days ago. We’re naming this baby Pepto.” So yeah, that might not be the best idea.
What about jewelry? My wife doesn’t really care for it and, besides, what kind of jewelry could I get for $25? Maybe one of those over-sized, obviously fake gemstones we see on infomercials, the kind that says “I like to wear large pieces of candy on my fingers.” No, not quite what I’m looking for.
Clothing? You’re serious? Angie’s body is changing day by day, and you expect me to play a guessing game where, even if I’m right, I’m in horrible trouble? If it’s too big, I think she’s too fat. If it’s too small, she thinks she’s too fat. There’s no clothing size labeled “Man, you’re a gorgeous piece o’ woman, and this is perfect for you.” I might as well juggle piranhas.
You know what, that’s what I’m going to get her, dangerous fish. If she doesn’t like them, I can at least jump in the tank and end it all. It’ll be less painful.
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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Why not put Franklin in the tank with the Pirhana’s?
That would be a good idea, if I could ever get my hands on him. Frankly is really fast.